Prevent Fights with your Spouse! Use a Pause Card
When I first started dating my girlfriend, I thought we’d never fight. Couples who did that made no sense. We had the blissful relationship, fully accommodating of each other’s wishes. It was great for a whole month! 
Then all of a sudden, we started acting human. Our flaws and weaknesses came up. We misread each other’s intentions and actions. And boy did we fight! Eventually though, we stopped being stubborn and made our apologies.
Part of being human is learning to communicate effectively. We knew we had lost the relationship’s direction in the content of the moment. We gave up being loving for being right. In a fight, effective communication is clouded with ego. A solution of mutual growth becomes one-sided growth (where the other person must change). Being two growth-minded people, fighting was a poor solution for us. So to help prevent future fights, my girlfriend and I created a pause card.
A pause card is a condensed version of your relationship’s direction. It lists the core values and principles that guide your joint decisions. Our pause card also includes a few questions to help return us to those values. The card is no bigger than a credit card and it slips right into a wallet or purse.
Defining the Relationship’s Direction
Both of you have reasons for being in the relationship. But you need to clarify them. Allow each other to express individual needs and expectations. What are your physical needs? spiritual needs? emotional needs? strength and weaknesses? What are your wants and preferences? What is your purpose? Listen openly and come to a mutual understanding.
Defining your relationship’s direction is an ongoing process and a joint effort. The wording will shift as life does. Keep in mind that direction is more about principles than specific roles and responsibilities. It is applied more than attained. For example, to express love or to think win/win doesn’t require a certain role or situation, just a willingness to apply it.
Create a Pause Card
Condense your purpose down to a few sentences or words. Print it onto something that you can carry around with you. Here is our pause card as an example:
Pause Card:
Listen - Am I truly listening to my spouse or just trying to be heard?
Love - Am I wanting to be loving or to be right? Have I made room for their humanity?
Learn - Where is the opportunity for growth? What is the lesson here?
Let Go - Am I trying to control something outside of me? Am I being respectful?
In a fight, words and actions usually target the other person’s weaknesses. To disarm this, the pause card can only be used on yourself.
Communicating Effectively
In most situations, the best thing you can do is return to your direction. By focusing on another person’s weakness (even if it’s an accurate observation), you’re wrong. You’ve given up the direction of your relationship and your responsibility to be loving, to listen, to learn and to let go. Regardless of how human your spouse may act in the moment, you are not absolved from your responsibility to the direction.
Mutual growth is a very rewarding process but it takes work. You must be willing to commit yourself to the direction, rise above your humanity and help your spouse do the same. This can be a slow process at times requiring compassion and patience on both sides. But it’s worth it.
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